I was supposed to setup shop in the middle of the desert and laser-cut parts for the US Government. I cut the rest of the world off in exchange. I stuck to the plan and I did everything I was supposed to. I prevented myself from forming any new bonds back at home because I was dead-set and focused. I only formed bonds with people that I could use to watch my dog and protect my home while I puddle-jumped from East to West and back. I made a multitude of promises to people involved based on only one promise that was made to me. Every time I prepared to lock in, they would push back with delays.
I have flown on 105 AIRPLANES directly related to this project between October of 2024 and January 2026
Hurry up. Wait. Pivot. Revise. Pause. Make A Choice. Rinse. Repeat. I feel like I am in the exact place that I was in October 2024. I have been using that time to form bonds with others and just in time to leave. I have ignored virtually all of my family since October 2024. I felt obligated to engage once my goals were met, I felt like I didn’t want to face anyone in my family until I could prove that I could do it. It’s my job to take care of all of them and until I succeed I am a failure, I am a leper, I am inadequate. Every push-back from the Government made me feel like a loser, like I was all talk and nothing more.
See you in like three years, or not? – maybe this is some kind of strange test.
OR
If you want to visit, just book a flight to Vegas or Los Angeles, snag a rental and drive three hours. OR you can get on two different planes to fly into Palm Springs, but you still need a rental car because it’s an hour away. What that translates to is that I will probably not see you again for a while, maybe or not ever again. The feeling of not knowing has been circulating through my guts since this project began. When do I start? When do I leave? When do I post my blog? That time is now.
I got close to as many people as I could because at some point it’s supposed to be “go-time”. We have internal battles to fight throughout our lives and for me it feels like it’s time for war. The uncertainty of “what is to come” has been wrecking me emotionally – do I stick to the plan or invest in myself? Who wants to be a part of this act of imbalance? Over time I see people lose momentum and doubt me and that’s okay. Me too.
I have now trained myself to understand that my van is my home and my safe space. Thank god I have my dog and my van. If we need to, we can fly and leave it here. My van is my living room, bedroom and my ticket home if needed. My dog is now so properly trained for the mission he can fly on commercial aircraft. I am so proud of my boy. If it doesn’t fit in the van comfortably, it stays in Virginia.
The crew at the shop is incredible, every single person on the team has really stepped up. It was my biggest fear to leave the shop and the crew, but at this point they don’t really need me anymore.
Wish me luck. (I need it)
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